sipping & existing & waiting (caffeinated prose in 3 parts)

         

  - sip & sit. -  part 1;     

            He used to sip his coffee & sit.

Not scrolling, not doing anything, except 

sipping his coffee & existing,

Maybe observing.

On days that feel heavy, for no particular reason, except existing,

I sit & sip my coffee,

Maybe observing,

Mostly, just existing.

-in the here & now- part 2;

I read that happiness is not the same as excitement,

Though some confuse the two, like I do;

Apparently, happiness involves a greater level of peace than excitement, 

I wonder then if I have ever been truly happy,

maybe, I have only ever been excited.

Then, not excited, bored, tired, uninspired. Then inspired.

Are inspiration & happiness the same? When have I ever felt peace?

There is a wasp sharing a table with me at this coffee shop, & I am not afraid;

Is that peace?

I was on time to work and was asked if I could come back in an hour, 

so I left & came here;  is that peace?

Is peace a response more so than a feeling? 

If I am inspired, I am excited, if I am excited I always thought that meant happy; 

to be inspired, to be at peace, to choose wonder in the here & now, 

to choose to sink into the heaviness of existing in the here & now, with wonder;

with awareness to label a growing pain what it is, is that peace?

To accept that growing pains are not just a childhood burden, rather,

growing pains grow out of our bones & into the muscle memory, 

growing pains move out of the body and into the soul of becoming again,

each moment, in the here & now. Is peace trust in the process from now to now, 

& not now? Is peace a willingness to wonder?

What do I wonder in the here & now?

I wonder how the gerbera daisy grows; I wondered that yesterday, too,

& now, I find myself sitting at a cafe table with a wasp 

and a planter of bright blush pink gerbera daisies. 

Their blooms poke up above a bed of thick leaves, 

which wave at the edges and curl into themselves at the center.

I wonder what she's doing now?

I remind myself peace is in the here & now, 

& she is not here right now,

I wish she was;

If peace is happiness & happiness is wonder, I wonder what it would feel like 

if she was here, next to me, right now;

but I do not feel happy when I wonder that

for I am unsure if she will ever be next to me, in the here & now. 

I hope one day she will be, & that hope feels happy, hope to feel her 

in the here & now,

one day. 

-wonder & wait- part 3;

I am beginning to feel the sun on my left cheek.

The chill of early mourning is lifting.

The sun is rotating. The light is arriving. 

This morning, a waiting game for the light.

I sip my coffee, wonder about her, & wait for the light.